Fauci Apologizes, Biden Licks Black Girl, and Other BEWILDERING Developments...
Look Jack, ya gotta see it to believe it!
It’s April.
And you know what that means. Soon-to-come showers, bountiful flowers, and big-booty Lizzo shakin’ that thang for Biden, ’Bama, and Wild Billy C.
Happy Belated Tranny Day everybody!
Let’s get into the news of the week…
(1) Fauci Apologizes(?) For COVID Era ‘Oversights’
“Look, from time to time, we all make mistakes,” said the renowned lifesaver from behind his proprietary double-N95. “But We Are All In This Together™.
“Besides, I’m not a doctor,” he continued with a shrug. “I’m just a medical bureaucrat. Don’t forget your quadrivalent bi-daily boosters.”
The admission comes at a strange time, as the public braces for the exceedingly deadly new subvariant JN.1.13, and neo-fascists everywhere turn to literal horse semen as a prophylaxis.
When asked about a return to lockdowns with Trump leading the polls considerably, Dr. Fauci appeared unfazed. “The best thing you can do for democracy is to stay up to date on your vaccinations. If we can do that, social distancing, triple masking, and other common sense protocols, the overpopulation will take care of itself.”
(2) Climate Activists Demand “100% Carbon Negative” or Else
While they sound nice, terms like carbon neutral and net zero simply aren’t cutting it.
“We need to think more aggressively,” said one loyal WEF acolyte and transgender studies major. “We’ve only got two or three years at most to solve this thing, think about it. If we don’t stop this now, what’s going to keep Putin and Trump from creating carbon bombs? Think about it!”
As farmers around the world protest the repealing of agricultural subsidies, the true stewards of our planet remain steadfast.
Climate Czar, John Kerry, has been especially outspoken. “We’re at a critical juncture,” said the reanimated corpse before stepping on the Gulfstream GIV-SP jet that he most certainly does not fly on. “Ice is melting, wildfires are raging, it’s hot, it’s cold. It rains, it doesn’t. If we don’t do something now, imagine what could happen in a decade, two decades? Several hundred millennia? Clearly, we have to act now.”
Which is why many major corporations and conglomerates are already dedicated to the cause. Nonetheless, despite companies like McDonald’s pledging to serve Soylent Green Beef™ exclusively, climate activists continue unsatisfied.
“We won’t stop till every last carbon molecule is eradicated,” said one purple-mohawked They/Them. “This is non-negotiable.”
Members of Congress are also joining the movement. Adorned with Prada, representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez did not mince words between sips of her red velvet cake batter Frappuccino: “If we don’t, like, dooo something about this, like, this is gonna be like reaally baaa - stop laughing, oh my God - like not even funny. Not eeeeven. Ya know?”
*Note* Renowned environmental activist Greta Thunberg was unavailable for comment, currently undergoing electroshock therapy for vaccine-induced autism.
(3) Biden Accidentally Licks Young Child
Not known for his gaffes or flubs, President Joe Biden had a surprising miscue the other day while posing with Chicago preschoolers in the recently renovated White House Playpen.
America’s favorite grandfather was seen sniffing and ‘sampling’ several young girls while positioning for photos.
“You’re gonna get me in trouble,” jested the octogenarian to reporters.
Upon familiarizing himself with one small black girl in particular, Biden could be seen delivering thumbs up to the media. “Chocolate chip,” he said with his signature pearly whites. “I love chocolate chip.”
(4) Pilot of Crashed Baltimore Cargo Ship “Didn’t Know Any Better”
While conspiracy theorists and white supremacists float the idea that the Dali collision at the Key Bridge was somehow ‘intentional,’ the crew’s legal team has more pressing matters.
Accompanied by his lawyer, the local harbor pilot in charge of the ship at the time of the crash had few words to offer. Well, few intelligible words.
“I iz whaddi iz, ya feel me,” articulated Jer’majesty Ackwadazius IV. “I ain’t not seent it, ya feel me... id wuz’ike… id wuz’ike whaaa?? Shiiiiiiiit…”
While the 22-man crew may have been all Indians, the pilot was a homegrown product of Baltimore.
"You’ll have to forgive my client,” stated Jer’majesty’s lawyer. “Due to workforce shortages and the mayor’s new diversity hiring policy, Mr. Ackwadazius was just recently promoted to the position. He simply didn’t know any better.”
Of course, not all are quick to give Jer’majesty a pass. Despite graduating from high school just last year, the pilot did come with glowing recommendations.
In a city where almost half of high school students earn below a 1.0 GPA, Jer’majesty graduated valedictorian with a scintillating 1.9.
When asked for a comment on the situation, Baltimore Mayor Brandon Scott said simply: “You don’t have the courage to say the N-word.”
(5) Border Patrol Agents To Be Replaced by MS-13 ‘Liaisons’
As the influx of “newcomers” at the Southern Border grows by the day, Secretary of Homeland Security, Alejandro Mayorkas, is thinking outside the box.
“We’ve been receiving reports,” said the Secretary while sunbathing his bald spot. “There appears to be a conspicuous lack of diversity and inclusivity at the Southern Border. As a country, we’re better than this.”
So, in a bold and controversial move, the department is pushing for a “complete overhaul” of “toxic personnel.”
“We want to create a culture where newcomers feel welcomed,” continued Alejandro. “A smooth transition where they can connect with others who share their lived experiences.
“That’s why I’m calling for a complete revamping of the front line. From now on, if you don’t speak Spanish, have full-body tattoos, and a rap sheet longer than Big Foot’s dick, you won’t be serving in my Border Patrol. No way sista.”
Agents on the front line, however, feel otherwise.
“It’s insane,” said one cishet white male who just wants to put his daughter through college. “We’re being invaded and they’re worried about race and political correctness. It makes no sense.”
Another border patrol agent echoed this sentiment: “It’s almost like they want to destroy this country…”
(6) Media Admits They’ve Liked Trump All Along
In an improbable turn of events, the mainstream media has delivered perhaps the biggest ’Gotcha!’ of the century.
“He’s a swell guy,” said one fake news mogul who asked to remain anonymous. “Hate him, love him, call for his assassination, equate him to Jesus - that’s just part of the game. Personally, I love him. Besides, the last thing my mistress wants is for our Mar-a-Lago membership to get canceled.”
Some speculate that this drastic shift in media attitudes may be due to plummeting ratings. Regardless, new approaches are on the horizon…
According to Mr. Thompson, it will take an entirely unique strategy to reclaim viewers:
“We’re at an inflection point. If we don’t do something transformative, something revolutionary, there’s no turning back. Are the majority of MAGA voters vile, disgusting inbreds? Of course, but we still have to make them feel like they matter. We still need to make them feel welcome…
Bottom line: We need to make the propaganda less obvious. Whether you and I watch the news, or an insurrectionist watches the news, it should all connect on some level.
We have to do a better job of disguising the reptilians as normal people. Things took a hit after the Epstein Island thing, that almost got everything outta control.
Imagine if the people had learned that that was just the tip of the iceberg? Not good.”
While there is no definitive timetable for how soon the media will feign Trump worship via its complex mind-control mechanisms, one can imagine.
“AI is the future,” admitted one big-league executive. “Soon enough, viewers won’t know what’s real and what’s fake. We’ll have people saying and doing all kinds of things, and there’ll be no way to discern fact from fiction. It’s gonna be fun.”
(7) White House Suggests Eating Rodents Amid Economic Woes
As citizens find their pockets lighter and their bills larger, many are pointing the finger at the White House and its highly-touted “Bidenomics.” Even many illegal immigrants - with free credit cards, housing, phones, and food - are finding the conditions less than ideal.
You know it’s bad when the illegal aliens are complaining…
Of course, that doesn’t mean conditions are as bad as we’re making them out to be. After all, succeeding in Life is all about attitude. If grocery store prices are sky high and your gas and electric are through the roof and your wages are decreasing as your debts balloon and you’re working far longer and harder for far less - what’s the big deal??
It’s all in your head, silly!
But even if it isn’t, the White House has a revolutionary solution: rotisserie rat.
Jared Bernstein, Chair of the Council of Economic Advisers, has spoken at length on the economic and dietary value of rat rations:
“We recognize that some citizens may be struggling with grocery bills due to Putin’s war. Fortunately, we’ve identified a readily available remedy: rat.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, but honestly, the rat is a prime specimen for daily consumption. It’s a great source of high-quality protein and just enough fat to pad the bones. In fact, it’s already fairly common in Ecuador and we can see many of those practices coming to the U.S., in New York City especially.
While I don’t normally condone cultural appropriation, in this case, I think it’s fine. My personal favorite is the Norway rat. About 8 inches, with some fava beans and a glass of Chianti.
Bon Appétit!”
Although the idea of resorting to rodents for daily nutrition intake may be detestable to some, White House officials say that it’s only a matter of time. With a little patience, some perseverance, and a willingness to adapt, rats, crickets, earthworms - it’s all coming down the pipe.
“People can adapt to anything,” said Michael Obama’s behavioral modification advisor.
“It doesn’t matter what it is, you just have to turn the dials slowly. Poison in the food and water? Bioweapons in the syringes? The planned gradual collapse of the human condition and ecosystem? It’s all very easy to bring about as long as we heat the water bit by bit.
“First, you start with a little flame, then you get a light simmer, then you ratchet that up, and before you know it, they’re boiling and can’t escape. Heck, if you do it just right, not only will they be boiling and not escaping, they’ll be begging you to put the lid on and keep them there.”
You are a master of sardonicism and sarcasm! All disguised as April's fool day joke...
It's also my name-day; a nice gift, thank you!
The demon possessed ex-humans would fit nicely in your essay.
Eccentrik's own Babylon Bee-esque parody. Well done!